within the hurt and the pain
a cleanse arises
a willingness to grow
to change
to adapt
to start anew

after every tragedy, a revival ignites
pushing us forward
a silent voice, our guide

funny, isn't it
how you can be there for someone
anytime, any second of the day
but if you don't reach out to them
they disappear
which begs the question
what was I to you?
someone to give you good advice
someone to listen
someone that lets you take take take
with no give
funny isn't that
how looking back, I see it
and yet here i am
missing you
letting go was the hardest thing I had to do
and here I am, writing of you
thinking of you
so I guess I haven't really let go
more just put the blame on you
its not your fault, how much I love you

I still remember the little things
the things you thought I'd forget
don't remember the fights as much
just remember the what came next
All the sweet nothings, you thought I'd regret

As time goes on, they become clearer
Just a cloud of love and lies
The little things that seem much nearer
The big arguments, tossed aside
Because, at the end of the day
The little things are what really matter
All these little moments that add up to something bigger
When I think of you, every little doubt
Every little questionable decision
Came true
Came through, came near to you
You took my trust, over looked it throughly
These little things, you thought I'd forget

eyes

what did you see in me
that wasn't enough
or, rather
what didn't you see

I pray it's just the adolescence
this feeling of
sinking
falling

I know my flaws
I think that's the worst part
Is I can see them
I can feel the anger taking over- embedded in my talk

I wish these flaws were physical
Something to fix with concealer, or a detox

These are something internally insightful
They are gruesome
And come with a heavy cost

I despise my hot head
My quickness to react
As if I want to catch him in the act

My general want for conflict, always brewing
Waiting to be poured, piping hot

I know my self views are morbid
Been rubbed raw from the start
So I'll stay stubborn, stay encoded
This constant line of defense- it's really an art

You know when they say
"That doesn't quite add up."
Like a sugar coated deny
"How can I say this...not so abrupt?"

That sensitivity is a blessing
us that lack it should know
Imagine spending your whole life wondering
"Yikes, was that super fucked up?"

some say bluntness is a tool
used for business, or trades alike
i find it rather exciting
to narrate, uncensored, this otherwise dull life

I'm starting to think that in everyone's life, there is this chance. This chance to forgive, to start again with someone. And in the movies, the man always messes up and the woman finds someone else, she moves on with her life. And then the man realizes all his mistakes and that he was an idiot and he will do anything for her, and the woman takes him back because that's what she wanted all along.
Why is it that we forgive?
Why is it that it takes some dramatic break, to see her with someone else, to realize what you had?
Why is it impossible for them to see a future, there in the moment, with the person that they are with.
It takes them being ripped away from who they love, to realized that that is truly WHO they love.
Guess its a classic love story then, right?
So I should follow the lines, its almost time for my climax. To realize that he really does love me, and wont hurt me again! So I should go back to him, forget everything that happened and love him like I always wanted.
It could be that simple.
But my cynical, cynical mind. Over here making me think, you are going to be that person that gets fucked over, over and over again, by the same man. How pathetic. Are you really not strong enough to try and get over him?
Why does he get a second chance? Why do I still love him? Why is it that someone who you love so much, could hurt you so deeply, and YOU STILL want them?
I wasn't perfect either.
But then again. I always knew it would be him to fuck it up. I knew I wouldn't slip up, that it wouldn't be my mistake.
I wish I was as confident in my loyalty to him, as his to me.
Guess I'm just banking on the idea that we will end up together, eventually. It's not like hes out trying with anyone else. And I am, actually trying, and it's getting me nowhere. If anything it just makes me miss him more.
But maybe that's because I haven't cut him off completely and he is still on my mind? Its kind of hard to enjoy a sandwich when you have your favorite flavor halfway eaten next to you. Not even going to try and do a shitty example using a gas station sandwich compared to something less disgusting?

I feel the love
baby, you do too
I know you do by the way I look at you
and you start to move
closer
faster
like nothing else matters
no one else exists
when you're with me
I can feel all your attention
pull you towards me
brush up against me
breathe me in
take me in
take me down
we are one
nothing else matters
but you
and the things you do
the words you say
softly
against my ear
i can see the heat
i can feel the tension
i can sense your next move
unbuttoning
feeling, grasping

My Heart.

I was guarded to begin with
I'm not afraid to say
To you, it was insulting
To me, defense was the only way

You worked with it,
Aiming to prove me wrong
And I wanted you to, believe me, I did
Impressed you kept it going on for so long

Then I found out
Knew I always would
That you betrayed my trust
Something precious, something good
The only pureness I knew,
My Heart.

endless cycle

why can't we quit
this wild love
the high is too great
to fret of the fall

the crying is stopped
as soon as your face appears
memories put on hold
of the trails through the years

its you
that's all i need
i picture you with a an enlightened fury
an embrace
a touch
something of a mission
to kiss you